I Like Big Jokes, and I Cannot Lie

There sure are a LOT of songs on the radio these days that aren’t really suitable for children, aren’t there? One day I’m going to write a post on all of the child-inappropriate pop songs that I’ve had to explain to Baby Girl, but for today, I’m going to only discuss the gem by Sir Mix-A-Lot called “Baby Got Back.”

Love it or hate it, for those of us like myself who have got some serious junk in the trunk, the opening line of “I LIKE BIG BUTTS, and I cannot lie!” has become a bit of an ego-boosting anthem. It has always put a smile on my face, even though the rest of the lyrics are sexually gross, objectifying and misogynistic.

So it was rather ironic when today, driving in the car, this particular song came on and I instinctively turned it up and crowed out the opening lyrics in my shouty-singy voice.

I immediately realized the folly of this action. With Baby Girl listening intently in the back seat, I was prepared for questions along the lines of “Why does he like big butts, mommy?” and “What does he mean by that?” which are the usual awkward queries I have to field as a result of banishing kid-diddys when she was only two.

Instead, I got a treat – an unexpected peek at her emerging brilliant and subtly sarcastic humour:

Does the guy singing this song know you, mommy?

The layers of humour buried in that statement made me proud, despite the fact that she was basically telling me I have a fat ass.

There was an intentionality to her humour that signalled her growing awareness of the world at large and how to make fun of it.

Sometimes her comments strike me in the worst possible way. Like the time she told me my bum makes a wave every time she touches it. THAT was unintentionally ego-crushing.

Or like the time she was splashing around in the bath and I had disrobed to grab a quick shower simultaneously. She sized up my nekked carcass and matter-of-factly stated “You look nice with your clothes ON, mommy.”

Not “nicer.” Just “nice” – because “nicer” would have been an obvious insult.

I may not like my butt being the butt of so many of her jokes, but I do know she is quickly learning what makes me laugh.

And I love it.

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Thanks for reading my blog! Feel free to share it, and if you’d like to hear more from me, slide over to the right side of your screen and “Like” my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to get my latest post in your email inbox – yes, that’s right – stalk me!

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The End of Lunch for Summer?

If I had a dollar for every time in the past week I’ve seen someone post on social media “Only X more days of making school lunches!” I’d be able to afford a caterer to make those lunches.

It seems that there is an epidemic of parents who really loathe making school lunches.

Here is what I have to say about that:

Is making a lunch each day such a big price to pay for six hours of free babysitting?

I think not.

And I’m not apologizing for that.

My first problem with this widespread whining about lunches is that the majority of school-aged children are fully capable of making their own lunches, people!

Yes – even my six year old daughter can slap some meat on bread, place a yogurt, apple, some carrot sticks and a drink in her lunch box – it’s not rocket science. If she needs help, we are usually in the same house as her to provide assistance or supervision.

Sure, if you want to heat up leftovers or cook something fresh, then perhaps six might be a bit young for that, but these are not lunch menus that happen every day in our home at least, so there’s no reason why children can’t at least help with their own lunch preparation regularly, if not make the entire lunch themselves.

Responsibility is good. The only way a child learns responsibility is to actually have it assigned to them.

Now, let’s talk about the bigger problem here:  all of you parents celebrating the end of lunchbox-filling – what exactly do you think your children will be eating throughout the summer between the meals of breakfast and dinner? Do you have some kind of special lunch-free summer arrangement with your child’s body? I ask this because my children actually eat lunch all summer long, not just during the school year. Sure, those lunches don’t have to go in a lunchbox that is currently so disgusting-looking that I would lose my appetite if I had to take food out of it to eat, but I signed up for the parenting plan that stipulated THREE meals a day. So I’m perplexed about this anticipation of school ending to have a break from making lunches. Do you parents in this category have a special summer lunch-maker service? Do your kids simply not eat lunch in the summers, their hunger under contractual agreement to make your life marginally easier for two months?

I am genuinely confused by this impending joy for a life without lunch-making. Do you people understand that when school is done for the summer, and you apparently don’t have to make lunches for two months – your children are at home with you ALL DAY for two months???

I love my kids, I really do, and I enjoy spending time with them, but if the only thing I have to do to have some time alone is make a lunch, or simply supervise or assist the making of a lunch – I’ll take the lunch prep with a smile on my face.

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Thanks for reading my blog! Feel free to share it, and if you’d like to hear more from me, slide over to the right side of your screen and “Like” my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to get my latest post in your email inbox – yes, that’s right – stalk me!

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Happy, Happy, Happy

A few months ago, I began to keep an online Happiness Jar. The idea came from one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, who often shares her fans’ pictures on her Facebook fan page of crafty DIY Happiness Jars containing their daily writings about what made them happy.

I’m no Martha Stewart, but I have my hands on my laptop for many hours a day, and I thought perhaps using my blog’s Facebook page would be a good way to start conversations with people about happiness. I’d share what I was happy about each day and invite others to do the same and perhaps create a small positive energy movement.

Initially, it was a great conversation – people were responding every day and sharing their pieces of happiness, just like I had hoped. Then that slowly died off, and every time I posted MY Happiness Jar entry, you could hear the crickets chirping away. Nobody even “liked” what I was saying.

This started to bother me a little. Then a lot. I felt like I was failing at spreading a positive message. I started to worry that I was “annoying” people and that nobody gave a rats. So I stopped sharing my daily Happiness Jar entries for a while.

Until the proverbial lightning bolt hit me.

The purpose of MY Happiness Jar was not to make anyone else happy.

It was about preserving MY bits of happiness. It was about MY desire to have a higher awareness of the positive parts of MY life.

It was about having a place to go to look back on the happy things in MY life if I ever needed some inspiration in a dark time.

It was NOT about anyone else.

So I started again.

Sometimes people share, more often they don’t. The crickets still chirp on a regular basis, but I have stopped giving a shit. Especially because when I re-started posting my daily Happiness Jar entries, I wrote a brief version of the above and had some pretty incredible comments – people telling me that MY Happiness Jar entries often inspired them, even if they never responded to my posts with their own statements of happiness.

So I am learning to refocus.

There are days when it’s damn hard to think of ONE happy thing, trust me.

Like today.

Today, I could tell you about how I’ve had a barking cough for 6 days now that obviously has decided to never leave. I could tell you how that cough combined with the stress of having to whip DD in and out of 4 costume changes with a 2-song time limitation twice yesterday and once Friday night have attacked my neck and shoulder with clenched muscles to give me muscle spasms that made sleep almost impossible despite my exhaustion last night. I could tell you how my 14 year old cat decided to poop on my bathroom floor because I wouldn’t get up at 3am to feed him. I could tell you about the laundry I did last Monday that’s still folded in a basket upstairs waiting to be put away because I was also at a conference for 2 days last week and have had no time to do anything resembling housework.

I could tell you a whole bunch of other crap that makes me weepy, crabby and a little bit stabby.

But happiness is a CHOICE.

I want to be happy. These negative things are all a part of life – every life – not just mine. Without them, I’d have no benchmark to compare the good stuff to. Yes, life has some unhappy moments, situations, times, but even on our darkest days, there is always at least one little thing that was good – the taste of a delicious dessert, the smile on a child’s face, the friend calling to see how you are doing.

I could dwell on all of the rotten stuff I listed, OR – I could tell you about all the people who told my daughter what a fantastic dancer she is at her recitals yesterday.  I could tell you about how every time she stepped out on that stage – 4 times per show for 3 shows now – my eyes filled with love bubbles that I had to breathe deeply to contain, or risk falling apart with the absolute love and pride I felt. The pure bliss of fulfillment, remembering how only a few years ago, I had convinced myself I’d never be a mom watching my child live out his or her passions. I could tell you how Huzbo, with his six left feet, actually agreed to dress himself up with neon colours and get up on that stage with other dads to shake his groove thing in the “Dancing Dads” part of the dance school’s annual recital, and how it made both of our kids laugh out loud with pleasure. I could tell you about how a beautiful, sweet compliment on Facebook from my best friend put a gigantic smile on my face last night when I was so worn out.

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My Happiness Jar can be half-empty, or half-full. It’s all a matter of perspective. I am the only gatekeeper of what goes into my mind and affects me.

Sometimes it’s hard to choose half-full, I completely agree. It’s human nature for many – myself included – to be pessimistic or negative. It’s often easier to let your inner bully crawl into your sacred mind space and take away your joy.

Optimism and happiness sometimes require work. Sometimes that work is extra-hard due to illness, and professional or medicinal help is needed – that’s ok, too. Whatever works – nobody should ever be faulted for choosing happiness and doing whatever it takes to get there.

So today, I choose happiness.

 

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

Thanks for reading my blog! Feel free to share it, and if you’d like to hear more from me, slide over to the right side of your screen and “Like” my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to get my latest post in your email inbox – yes, that’s right – stalk me!

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The Quest to Scratch the Seven-Year Itch

This *may* or may not be, the couple described in this post.

This *may* or may not be, the couple described in this post.

I have a story to tell you.

It’s a story about a woman who’s been married for seven years now, and while she may feel a bit itchy at times, she’s proud of the fact that she would never go looking for someone else to scratch that itch.

Yet, that itch remains.

Because the dude legally obligated to scratch that itch is not doing so as often as he should.

She loves him – most of the time.  She likes him – some of the time.  They are fortunate enough to have overnight babysitting every other weekend for regular date nights.  These dates are usually dinner and a movie, and on one of those dinner dates recently, the woman decided she would broach the subject of her itch.  She thought that maybe giving some compliments would motivate her man to return the favour, thereby making her feel a little sexy and desireable – which goes a LONG way to helping scratch an itch.

She suggested they dine at the restaurant where they first met, and by some cosmic happenstance, they were seated at the exact table they had sat at on their first date, although the dude, of course, had no recollection of that.

She began with what she thought was a VERY flattering compliment:

“You are sexier now than you were the day I met you eight years ago, sweetheart”.  (This is a really hot compliment for a dude who can, at times, be rather obsessed with his aging appearance – to the point where he asks for Botox as a Christmas gift.)

To which the dude responded with…nothing but a cursory “I am? Thanks!”

No return volley, no quasi-compliment, not one flattering comeback.

The woman counted to ten, because she was adamant that this date night was not going to end in a fight like many of them had lately.

“Uhhh, don’t you think when someone pays you a nice compliment, it’s gentlemanly and romantic to say something nice back to them?”

(The woman admits that she was fishing, and that it’s probably a sign of her vast insecurities that she wanted – needed – the dude to return a compliment, but she had decided at this point that hearing some compliments were going to help sooth her itch, and she wasn’t about to let his denseness prevent that from happening.)

“Oh!  Uhhh, yeah – you look lovely!” was the husband’s response.

The woman was put out.  “Lovely” was a word used to describe your mother’s Easter bonnet, or your aging auntie’s rose garden – NOT the word you used if you wanted to get into your wife’s pants and wanted her to want you to do so.

So the woman told him just that – she wanted him to come up with something a bit more passionate than “lovely” to let her know he still found her attractive.

To which the dude replied “You really do yourself up well!”

Now, despite the fact that the woman felt as though the man was really telling her that she was mutton dressed up to look like spring lamb, she patiently explained to him again the folly of this non-compliment, and gave him further instructions to compliment something specific about her looks.

“You have really nice lips for kissing, and great hair”.

Now the woman was feeling better – these were parts of her that weren’t painted on or gussied up with expertly-tailored clothes!  Yet somehow she needed just a bit more – after all, she was feeling really itchy and needed confirmation that her man was still even interested in being her itch-scratcher.

“That’s more like it!  Now, can you compliment something below my neck?”

Quite frankly, the woman knew she was skating on thin ice here, because she knew that before meeting her, the dude was not generally drawn to women who had such generous curves in the bottom-half of her pear.  Yet, she also knew that there were at least a FEW attributes south of her chin that were worth noting, and she felt that her husband owed her the effort of mentioning them once every couple of years.

“You have great boobs!” the dude enthusiastically replied, thinking he was acing this examination.

“What’s so great about them?” the woman prompted.

“They’re nice and small!” he exclaimed triumphantly, with his hands shaping cups the size of half oranges.

Despite the man’s rare appreciate of non-Pam Anderson sized bazoongas, the woman interpreted this as another non-compliment, applying the man’s love of “small” to her rather “not small” derriere and legs.

At this point, the woman gave up.

She is learning to accept that perhaps scratching your own itch may be the best approach after all.

 

 

Thanks for reading my blog! Feel free to share it, and if you’d like to hear more from me, slide over to the right side of your screen and “Like” my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to get my latest post in your email inbox – yes, that’s right – stalk me!

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The Oscars Are Getting With The Program!

Everyone who knows me knows that I love movies and look forward to the Oscars for months before they arrive.

This year, it was SO worth the anticipation!

Ellen DeGeneres was a superb host.  Funny, without being mean, lively, but annoyingly so, and the best part?  SO interactive with the celebrity audience.

Smart woman – she knows we don’t tune in just to watch her for 3.5 hours, as amazing as she is.

Here are my Top Ten things that I LOVED about yesterday’s Oscars:

1.  The dresses – well, DUH!  Isn’t that a huge reason why many tune in? When I see gorgeous celebrities wearing long sleeves and demure necklines, just for a few moments, I can actually pretend that I too could rock a gown like that. Last night the gowns were conservative and downright plentiful in fabric, for the most part, which gives my wobbly bits such hope for when I walk the red carpet.

2.  Anne Hathaway wearing a metallic-breastplated dress to avoid Nipplegate, Part 2.  Not sure if it was intentional, but I’m going to assume it was her classy raised middle finger to last year’s media frenzy erected by her dress and what it didn’t hide.

3.  Pharrell performing “Happy”.  Children dancing on the stage.  Pharrell gettin’ funky with Lupita, Meryl and Amy.  Pharrell getting everyone up on their feet shakin’ it.  Loved it – best performance of the night.

4.  The number of speeches that thanked MOMS.  Jared Leto AND Matthew McConaughey both did – so nice to see grown men pay such tribute to their mothers.  Also loved the tears that appeared when Matthew spoke of his wife and children – take notes, gentlemen in training!

5.  Bette Midler singing.  Love her or hate her – that woman can sing.  And that she did, superbly well.  I loved that she sang the song I danced to with my dad at BOTH of my weddings!

6.  The speeches were not long, boring, drawn-out, or containing political diatribes.  Yes, a few held political or social commentary, but it was like everyone understood that it wasn’t the time or the place for the soap box, and sometimes, just a mention is all you really need to make people think.

7.  Ellen ordered pizza, had it delivered and passed it out to the celebrity audience.  With celebrities helping serve it up!  Have you ever seen anything that cool, fun or original in recent Oscar shows?  Also, who was the last host to break Twitter by posting a selfie with her and 10 celeb peeps?  Need I say more?

8.  Joseph Gordon Levitt, whom I could love on a standalone basis, but he also reminded me of my boyfriend from senior year in high school – their resemblance is uncanny, to be honest, although I have no idea what the former flame looks like now, so I’ll stick with my memory.  Or JGL.  Refer also to Jonah Hill – that cutie-pie just makes me smile, even when he doesn’t say a word.

9.  I agreed with almost all of the award choices – I might have chosen a different Best Director and different Animated Feature, but everything else I completely agreed with – that NEVER happens!

10.  DIVERSITY.  Black nominees, in more than one category.  Black attendees – more than just a couple token uber-famous black celebrities in the crowd.  A movie about slavery won Best Picture and Best Screenplay.  An intelligent, talented black woman won Best Supporting Actress.  A black man gave the best performance of the show.  Sidney Poitier on stage to remind us all who got the ball rolling for black people in Hollywood.  The Academy is starting to realize that perhaps diversity has been lacking in their club, and it’s nice to see some signs of this changing.  Would I have liked to see more diversity? Of course, but starting somewhere is better than stagnancy.

Keep it up, Hollywood, you did it all right last night.

My creative stepson made this!

My creative stepson made this!

Thanks for reading my blog! Did you like this post? Feel free to share it, if you did. Also, if you’d like to hear more from me, slide over to the right side of your screen and “Like” my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter – yes, that’s right – stalk me!

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Existential HUH?

ImageA few months ago, I had coffee for the first time with a woman I had recently met.  We got personal pretty quickly, which is fine by me – I’m a bit of an open book on most subjects.  I shared some intimate details of my life story and also the details that I’ve shared publicly.  When I was done peeling back my onion for her, she asked me if I ever felt like I was put on this earth and kept around (so far) to accomplish something amazing.

All. The. Freakin’. Time.

In a nutshell, there have been numerous occurrences in my life – some medical, some notsomuch – that could have easily snuffed out my existence.  Yet, that didn’t happen.  Each time, I somehow made it through, and some of those triumphs were tippy-toeing near the “miraculous” zone.

Now, some of you are probably dying to hear all the gory details of these experiences, some of you may not give a shit, but either way – that’s ok.  This post isn’t about that, mostly because all of those stories would fill a book…hmmm…

The point of this post is to talk about the never-ending feeling I’ve had since I was very young, that I’ve been spared or given back my life numerous times because I have some great calling to fulfill.

So great, in fact, that I haven’t even figured it out yet.

Which IS the point of this post.

What if what I AM doing is the wrong “something amazing”?

What if I find out too late that what I’m already accomplishing and will accomplish were NOT the reasons why I’m here?

I know – this existentialist shit makes my head spin most of the time as well, but when somebody else hits your innermost thoughts and fears all in the same sentence for all the same reasons you have those thoughts and fears – it gets pretty deep.

This is not about ego – I don’t think that I’m here to change the world or any other grandiose ideas like that (with all due respect to those who ARE here to change it).  But what if changing the world was my “destiny” and I’m sitting here telling you that I’m not buying into my own destiny?

I’m sure you can see how this could, at times, be a little crippling.

Scrubbing toilets, typing out the words in my head and posting them online because there is nobody in front of me to speak them to, making grilled cheeses because I don’t feel like going to the grocery store for real dinner food – I’m not convinced these are signs of a higher calling, but who am I to judge myself?

Yes, it’s hard sometimes to avoid saying “I was saved for THIS?” when my child comes home from school with sopping leggings, because she didn’t pull them down far enough when she sat on the potty (yes, sat – like I don’t worry enough about her at school?).  Or when she comes home from school wearing only transparent tights as pants, because she didn’t feel like wearing the skirt she chose to wear that morning, and explained to me her belief that tights and leggings are the same thing.

I have to remind myself that no doubt Mother Theresa’s mom or Dr Martin Luther King Jr’s mother had stories like these to tell – mommy tales.  Yet, look at the destiny they fulfilled.

Now, Baby Girl may not turn out to be the next Oprah Winfrey or Nelson Mandela, or she may – that’s not really the point either.

The point is this – I have to find my OWN value in what I do.

I don’t have to be an iconic world hero, nor do my children.  I don’t have to measure my worth by other people’s standards – how much money I earn, how many people follow me, how many hits my posts get, how much charity work I do, how often I’m on the news.

I simply have to look upon my life as one that matters – no matter what I do.

What more amazing accomplishment can there be?

 

 

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25 Reasons Why I’m Not Hip, and Probably Never Will Be

Baby Girl came home from school last week singing “It’s hip to be a square”, which on one hand, made me laugh because it’s a terrible old song that somebody was witty enough to turn into a shape-teaching tool, yet on the other hand, made me think about how un-hip I am. In so many ways.

Let me run down a few of them for you:
1. I don’t eat quinoa. I may try it one day, but probably long after it’s not hip anymore.

2. I use the “kids in a sandbox” approach to making adult friends – I actually invite people to have coffee if I think they’re cool, or I may even invite them to my house or out for lunch. Sometimes I even do this after only meeting someone once, briefly. Aloof is not my area of expertise.

3. I worry that people are mad at me or don’t like me for some reason (yes, even people I’ve never met) if they don’t reply to my tweets. I want people to like me and feel bothered if they don’t. But only if I like them, of course.

4. I don’t watch SOA, Downton Abbey, Mad Men, Orange is the New Black, or any other TV (with the exception of the quality programming found on ABC’s Revenge, The Weather Network, CBC news or CP24). In related news – we don’t even have Netflix.

5. I’m not on Pinterest, Instagram, StumbleUpon, Tumblr, Vine, LinkedIn or any other social media than Facebook and Twitter.

6. I wear Crocs in my house. All the time, as slippers. Sometimes even when people come over.

7. I like typing on a laptop more than a tablet or smart phone. I like buttons more than a flat screen image of a keyboard. I actually miss my old Blackberry.

8. I like ending conversations of any sort (yes, even on social media) with some traditional form of pleasantry like “Bye!” or “Talk to you later!” or “Have a great day!” instead of just leaving a discussion dangling in the wind with no closure.

9. I double space after periods. That’s how I was taught to type back in 1984, so I will not apologize for learning it well.

10. I don’t find humour in people getting the shit scared out of them, or people getting the beats (not the Dr Dre kind) or imitations of people with physical or mental challenges.

11. I don’t do any sports that I can talk about on social media. I don’t do any sports that I can talk about anywhere. Ok, I don’t do any sports.

12. I wear my pyjamas under my yoga pants to drive Baby Girl to school. And pick her up.  I remove the yoga pants for the hours in-between.

13. Kale revolts me. And yes, I’ve tried kale chips.

14. I have 3 cats. I adore them and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I post pictures of them online, and convince myself that I am not a crazy cat lady because I draw the line at owning clothes with animal pics on them, or having little animal chachkies around my home.

15. I am verbose. Why say it in one sentence, when you can use five or six? I joined Twitter to practise limiting my words to 140 characters. #EpicFail.

16. I follow people back on Twitter if they follow me and they’re not trying to sell me more followers, don’t have a profile that’s in a language I don’t read or speak, don’t have an egghead profile picture with 1 tweet and 254,592 followers or don’t give me the heebeegeebees for some reason.

17. I respond to almost all of the comments on my blogs – good or bad, almost all tweets to me that aren’t weird or rude or trying to sell me stuff, and all emails that aren’t from spambots or marketing firms trying to buy ad space on my blog.

18. I feel awkward talking about my experiences with depression, so I don’t. I don’t judge those that do – in fact I may have a bit of envy that they are comfortable sharing, but I’m not. I’m not ashamed, I just can’t do it. Yet, at least.

19. I put myself “out” there. I comment on blogs of people I don’t know, I tweet to strangers.

20. I still get zits.  I still refer to them as zits.

21. I didn’t dig the Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons mash-up at the Grammys. I’d never heard of half of the nominees at the Grammys.

22. I constantly worry about my phone battery dying because I don’t own one of those little portable battery charger packs.

23. I get manicures biweekly, but my eyebrows resemble Frida Kahlo’s. I cut and colour my hair 3 times per year, and I’m fastidious about my pits, but I declare a moratorium on leg-shaving between November and April to avoid wearing long-johns. Don’t even ask about the equator zone, unless I will be sporting a swimsuit the next day. Basically, I’m a confused sasquatch.

24. I don’t dig zombies.

25. I’m not fake. I’m a sincere, loyal and sometimes overly-friendly person. Most of the time I’m pretty content being just who I am – hip, or not.

Bonus Addendum: I can’t believe I forgot about this in the original post, but that’s just another testament to how unhip I really am: I don’t play Candy Crush.

Thanks for reading my blog! Did you like this post? Feel free to share it, if you did. Also, if you’d like to hear more from me, slide over to the right side of your screen and “Like” my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter – yes, that’s right – stalk me!

You may also like reading my blog posts at Conceived in my Heart on YummyMummyClub.ca – check it out!